I’m not going to sugar-coat this: I hate feelings. Well, let me be a little more specific– I hate every feeling except happiness. I know, this isn’t what you’d expect to see on an eating disorder recovery blog… after all, I’ve previously committed to only writing positive things about recovery. However, I feel like I owe you all a pearl of wisdom that is not all “rainbows and butterflies” because at the end of the day, I am human, just like you. I, too, am a work in progress!
Why do I hate feelings? From an early age, I was a people pleaser. I sacrificed showing my own negative emotions for the sake of being responsible, pleasant, and easy-going. If I was mad, I took it out on myself through starvation and exercise. If I was sad, I held myself together until I was sure everyone else was asleep, and then I would allow myself to cry until I drifted off to sleep too. If I was anxious, I tried my best not to show it, because I didn’t want to burden anyone else with my “annoying” feelings. Nobody told me my anxiety was annoying, but I was annoyed at myself and did not want to risk drawing attention to myself and my feelings in any way, shape, or form.
Despite many years in therapy, I still don’t like my feelings. I’m working on this. It is my last major hurdle in my own recovery. I will get to a place where feelings are no longer the enemy, just as food is no longer my enemy. I’m sharing my struggle with you because it is so important to give yourself the grace to grow. I debated sharing this blog for fear of coming off as an impostor. However, I am a big believer that nobody is perfect, and I have no intentions of appearing like the golden child of recovery for you. I’m doing my best and learning every day, and that is why I’m sharing my journey with you.
So this holiday season, give yourself the gift of grace. You are a work in progress, on your way to another world where Ed doesn’t exist and feelings are just a normal part of life. I’ll be here right by your side, sharing honest blog posts about eating disorder recovery and encouraging you along your own journey. You are beautiful and courageous and have so much to be proud of! Keep fighting the good fight– together, we will win.